


Spinel Discovers God

by IHATEAPPLES69



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: 4chan, Avoiding Going to Hell, Boing Bing Bong, Christianity, Christianity Conversion, Crack Fic, Devotion to God, Discovering God, Doing God's Work, For the Good of God, God Is Love, God is Life, Homophobia, Joke Fic, No Swearing In This Christian Minecraft Server, Pre-Maritial Breathing, Pre-Maritial Eye Contact, Slinkies, Spreading the Word of Christianity, Steven is going to hell for swearing, Stretch, The Bible - Freeform, Very serious fanfiction, anti-Christianity, good life decisions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:22:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23434621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IHATEAPPLES69/pseuds/IHATEAPPLES69
Summary: Through a series of fate-aligned events in the eyes of God and the Bible, Spinel is able to unlock her truest self and find God in the most unlikely of sources.
Relationships: Spinel/God
Comments: 7
Kudos: 11





	1. The Discovery of God

Spinel was slinkying around the Diamond Palace, using her stretching powers to elastic herself around like a condom.  
"Spinel!"  
Yellow Diamond called out in worry and desperation as she looked around for the springy magenta gem.

"Ah fuck, nawt this bitch again."  
Spinel said, her face collapsing in on itself as she backed away so she couldn't be seen. Sneaking into a nook she could fit in tightly, she stilled her breathing as Yellow walked on forward. She wasn't caught. She breathed a sigh of relief as she disentangled herself and fell out of the hole like someone throwing a bowl of wet spaghet at the floor.

"Maybe I should go see Steven..."  
Spinel mused, using her strecc necc to reach the warp pad, warping to the Gem Temple. Once she arrived there, she grinned happily as she broke into Steven's room, waving to the shit clump haired boy merrily.  
"Well, hiya Steev-o!"  
She greeted innocently, her pigtails bouncing behind her.

"Ughh.. What do you want?"  
Steven grimaced as he looked at Spinel from his bed.

"White Diamond's been a bitch lately, yeehaw."  
Spinel said with a straight face as Steven choked on his milk glass.  
"Dya have anything for me to do while she has a massive temper tantrum over Blue stealing her frozen peas?"  
She asked.

"I really don't fucking care, Spinel."  
Steven said tiredly as he ran his doritos dusted fingers through his hair.  
Slumping his shoulders, he sighed depressedly.  
"I don't care about anything ever since Connie switched her religion to Christianity."  
Tears rolled down his cheeks at the thought.  
"Now she wants to wait till marriage to have sex."

"What's a Christy-anny?"  
Spinel questioned curiously, getting uncomfortably close to the crying Steven as he tried to move back, sputtering in disdain.

"Just take this and leave me alone..."  
Steven said in misery as he procured a book from his pants and threw it down the stairs, in which Spinel ran after like a desperate dog longing for scrumptious treats.

Once Spinel got to the first floor, she picked it up curiously and observed the title.  
"The Bible, huh...?"  
She mused, looking it over. Glancing to her right, she spotted a comfy-looking couch that belonged to Steven and quickly zipped over to it, flipping through the book.

"Wowee, this has a lot of pages..."  
She muttered in awe.  
"I better get to reading!"  
She chirped as she slunk into a decent position, her eyes beginning to scan the page.

A few hours later, Spinel was considerably more bored. She hadn't even gotten through fifty pages, and though what she had read had been interesting, and written in a funny sounding english knockoff language, she was disappointed she wasn't making more progress.

Suddenly, Steven stepped down the stairs, as the stairs were meant for.  
"You're still here?"  
He said gloomily, glancing at Spinel. Suddenly, the formerly evil pink lady had an idea.

"Ay, Steven!"  
Her eyes gleamed with excitement as she stood up slowly.  
"You got one of them things,, a- a computer right?"  
She said, stumbling over her words in her excited haze.

"Uh... Yeah?"  
Steven said unsurely, fear building in the pit of his stomach.

"Can I use it?"  
Spinel's eyes widened with excitement, spiralling with glee.  
"Can I? Can I?!"  
She grinned, bouncing.

"Y-Yeah. Just take it and get out of my house."  
Steven said, voice cracking as he handed her his laptop.

"Thanksalot, Steev-o!"  
Spinel said cheerfully as she ran out the door, committing her first robbery as Steven looked on in fear and disbelief, wondering what he had just subjected the world to now that Spinel of all gems had access to the internet.

Meanwhile, Spinel skipped along the beach happily, humming an upbeat tune as she found a suitable rock to sit on. She opened the laptop, having had enough memory of when she watched Steven use his laptop to know how to open the 'Internet Explorer', and use a keyboard.

"Hmmm, If I wanna know more about the Bible, I should ask this strange Internet for help!"  
She declared, quickly typing in a search query along those lines. Her eyes lit up in excitement.

"1.4 million results?! I'm so glad this internet thing is so helpful!"  
She gushed, grinning as she scrolled down randomly, clicking on page 78.  
"But... Which one will be best for learning the core aspects of this Bible quickly?"  
She uttered in confusion, before her eyes landed on a title.

"Deconstructing the true messages and meanings behind the Bible... In just four pages?!"  
She said in awe, immediately clicking on the link. The screen of the laptop exploded into color. What greeted her eyes was a simple messaging board post, with a cream colored layout and darker orange and red accents. Spinel grinned. This was just what she needed to learn the Bible! Looking at the corner of the screen, she squinted her eyes.

"I sure hope this 4-Chan place has what I'm looking for..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please like and subscribe for more i need to feed my family


	2. God's Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once Spinel has discovered of God and his many benefits in joining Christianity, and the downfalls of not, she must urge her friends and family into joining for a good future.

It was late after sunset. Steven had gone looking for Spinel (but mainly his laptop) and had failed to notice Spinel, the bright pink menace, wedged in between some rocks like a forgotten candy wrapper.

Spinel's eyes were glazed over in wonder and awe, and she slowly shut the computer as she looked up, staring into the sea. She had learned so much. So much beauty was held in the Bible, and yet so much more she had to analyze.

She had spent the day scrolling through 4chan, taking in all the information. She never knew that you'd go to hell when you died if you didn't believe in God! Among the other tidbits of info she had learned, she hurriedly began to march into Beach City with a determined gait.

She didn't want her friends to be subjected to the terrible fate of hell! She needed to make them see reason and believe in God, just like the internet told her. She curved into Fish Stew Pizza, where a multitude of gems and humans alike had gathered. Brightening, she saw Amethyst sitting in a group with a few Little Homeworld gems, chatting animatedly.

"Amethyst!"  
She gasped, pulling up a seat and looking worried as the gathering of quartz soldiers looked on in confusion.

"Uhh... Hey Spinel."  
The short defective Amethyst waved in confusion. She was still unsure of how to feel about the dark magenta gem, having been stripped of her memories by her invasion and then never really having a chance to make up with her.

"This is important!"  
Spinel huffed, out of breath and panting.  
"Have you guys heard of the Bible?! You need to find Jesus and Christianity before it's too late and you all go to hell!"  
Spinel gasped out.

The gems stared at her awkwardly, side-eying Amethyst as the purple gem's eyes widened in amusement, her lips curving into a snicker.  
"Spinel... Did you find the internet?! You know, you shouldn't belie--"

Spinel harshly glared at Amethyst.  
"Don't revoke God's plan for this earth! Steven gave me his laptop to be informed. I won't let you trance on Jesus' plans for Christianity and this world!"  
She bellowed.

"S-Steven?"  
One of the formerly corrupted quartz gems looked at Spinel.  
"H.. He's saying this?"  
The group of gems began to mumur among themselves, looking confused and awkward.

"Yes!"  
Spinel urged, shutting up Amethyst with a look as she continued to speak.  
"Steven gave me the internet and something called 4chan, and I read that if you don't all convert to Christianity, you'll die and go to hell, where all sinners go!"  
She urged in a whisper.

"Hey, I think that's enou-"  
Amethyst began to speak up before being interrupted by Biggs, one of the quartzes at the table.

"Well... If Steven is condoning it, I'm in!"  
She said with determination.  
"He hasn't led us wrong before, right?"  
She glanced at the other gems, who began to nod, certain in their actions.

"Yeah!"  
Another quartz said, standing up and crowding around Spinel.

"I don't want to go to hell. I like it here."  
Said a timid, shyer quartz, standing up to join the group.  
"I think I'd like this Chrissie thing."

"Good! Come on, let's save the rest of the gems!"  
Spinel's eyes sparkled ad Amethyst looked on in disbelief.  
The quartz began to cheer loudly as they ran after Spinel, some humans in the restaurant looking up in confusion before returning to their pizzas.

"I gotta tell Steven."  
Amethyst muttered to herself, slightly scared of what Spinel got herself into. Jumping off of her seat, Amethyst ran out the door, heading to the temple.

-

Meanwhile, Spinel was grinning wildly as she explained to the quartz gems how Christianity worked.  
"So,"  
She began.  
"There's this big guy in Heaven, which is like another planet, who's name is God. He made every planet, and also the Diamonds probably."  
She said as the quartz gems listened on.  
"Then there's someone called Jesus, who's God's son. They're both holy deities."  
She grinned.

"Uh, Spinel?"  
The timid quartz from before raised her hand, stuttering slightly.  
"This all sounds very interesting... Is there a place to learn more? Like a Little Homeschool but for Crusty Annie?"  
She stumbled over her words.

"Yeah!"  
Spinel grinned as she kept walking, bringing out Steven's laptop for earlier.  
"In fact, I can be your teacher! Let's sit down."  
She instructed, going over to a bench as the quartzes piled in around her, some standing behind the bench and looking at the screen.

"For instance, the 'site' you should trust the most is this thing called 4chan."  
She instructed loudly, pointing at the logo.  
"They have the best info! Just look!"  
Spinel squinted at the message boards.

"Why homosexuals should be killed and harassed?"  
Biggs sounded out in awe.

"That sounds complicated... What's a homosexual?"  
Said the shy, timid quartz.

"Let's go and see! This'll surely give us more info on what Christianity truly is about."  
Spinel said happily.

They all crowded around curiously as Spinel began to loudly recite the message board.

-

Meanwhile again, Amethyst had rushed immediately home, panting for breath as she looked on with a grim determination. Throwing open the door and rushing inside of the house, she yelled out.  
"Steven!! Steeeeeven!"  
She yelled.

"Ugh. What."  
Steven scowled as he turned over in his couch. He hadn't been able to watch YouTube while Spinel had kidnapped his computer to drown his sorrows, or post on a message board about how much his life sucked, or that females never paid attention to him, or how much he wanted to kill his mom (again).

"You gotta see this! Spinel discovered this thing called 4chan and she's misleading all the gems into thinking they should convert into Christianity, but it's the internet and she was saying suuuper weird vaguely threatening things and--"

Amethyst was cut off from her rant by Steven standing bolt upright. His body began to shake as tears rolled down his cheeks. Bursting out of the temple, he ran as fast as his chicken nugget fueled legs would carry him. He only heard 'Spinel', 'Christianity' and '4chan' in the same sentence. And he knew Beach City, and the rest of the world, was in grave danger.

Once he burst into Little Homeworld, he gasped for breath. Nobody was around, though he heard bustling from the main plaza. He cursed himself as he rushed ahead. He saw a large stage set up and hundreds of gems gathered in a crowd, with a bouncy magenta gem grinning down at the crowd with a microphone.  
"Cheers to Christianity!"  
She yelled out into the mic, which reverberated for miles.

"CHEERS TO CHRISTIANITY!"  
The crowd of gems boomed, beginning to cheer and stomp. Steven pissed himself in fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another epic installment of the best story on this site brought to you by xXHeterosexualAppleHater69Xx. pls like and reviewscribe so i can feed my family and buy apples to destroy


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